me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
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My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street