Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
You Might Also Like
Good morning y’all ☀️
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”