me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
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You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head