I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
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Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL