March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
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The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad