Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
You Might Also Like
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda