Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”