Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
listen closely
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*