(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.