A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
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Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
The future is now.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume