I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it