[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
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“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.