*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
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EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
You can’t outrun your problems…
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.