gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
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I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit