“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
You Might Also Like
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
We decided to have money instead of children.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My favorite female superhero
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter