People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈