*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
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My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget