You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Is your wife single?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….