Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat