Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
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WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?