[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
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Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit