Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
welcome back
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool