friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
You Might Also Like
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
i could never be president. im overqualified.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”