I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
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Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?