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Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Not helping
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.