Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo