[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
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hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine