Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
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Passed by a old school Math example today.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
23. the denim jacket
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.