Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
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FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
#parenting
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My patience has stretch marks.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Baller is short for ballerina
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*