Taliband
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“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands