Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
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He-man has a Masters degree
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what