If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.