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Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I have questions??
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.