[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
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If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????