*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
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Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.