1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
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Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
mumsnet is amazing
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.