2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
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If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
You got this…
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered