I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
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Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.