wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
classic mixup
me before I type out affect or effect
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.