What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
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My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
People buying plungers never look happy.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Try and stop me.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.