Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.