Every haunted house movie:
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Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
hey, alexa
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Your secret is safeish with me
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]