I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
You Might Also Like
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.