Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
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[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
the three branches of government
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas