Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
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What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
found my next D&D character name
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue