I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
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So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.