“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
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Need tips on making something look like an accident.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
dude it’s called proctologist
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Livid.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Interior design 👌
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.