me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
You Might Also Like
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Not today, today.
Not today.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
A fake ID that makes you younger
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”