Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”