You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.